As women we get things done. We know how to plan, prepare, and execute. If a project is important to us, we will succeed. Then we turn to the job of motherhood and it’s way more complex than we expected. Despite our best efforts, many of us women find ourselves grappling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, questioning whether we are good enough mothers. Why is this such a common experience?
Why do I feel like a bad mum? The perfect mum myth
From a young age, women swim in a sea of messaging regarding what makes a “good mother.” These expectations often revolve around notions of selflessness, perfectionism, and satisfaction. Yet as mums we are often expected to juggle multiple roles and responsibilities seamlessly, without any room for error. We must excel in every aspect of motherhood – from raising the children to maintaining a spotless home and excelling in our careers. The pressure to meet these unrealistic standards can be overwhelming, especially when all of us, in some areas, inevitably fall short.
Being good at all aspects of motherhood is impossible
We love our children and are desperately invested in their development, but motherhood is uniquely demanding and difficult. Take the sleep deprivation, an infamous form of torture, but also deployed in the early days of our new job as mum, where we are desperately trying to meet the needs of our new tiny, tyrannical boss. We thought we might be ready for it, but losing our rights to the basic need for sleep is far from a walk in the park.
In her book ‘What Mothers Do,’ Naomi Stadlen writes that one of the roles of the mother is to be constantly available for interruption. But who functions well when their day is interjected with constant demands, touch and yells?
Societies definition of Motherhood expects us to be all things.
- Creative and going with the flow, and also great at creating a routine.
- Calm and with a great capacity to set strong boundaries.
- Invested in our work and fully present for our children.
- Spending time on our fitness and our homes and our partner and our friends and always present for the children
It’s simply not possible to be ‘good’ at all society expects of mums. It’s essential to remember your feelings of not being good enough are just that, feelings and are not a reflection of your worth as a woman or as a mother. The fact you are asking yourself if you are a bad mum, is in fact, a sign you are a good mum.
How to overcome feeling like a bad mum
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge that it is impossible to be great at all the elements of motherhood. Remember, there is a cognitive bias which means your mind will be drawn to information which confirms you aren’t good enough (like if you struggle with anger, your attention will focus on the mum with the endless patience). When reminded of your motherhood weak spots, redirect your attention to what others have told you are your motherhood strengths. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend facing similar struggles.
- Discover what you personally value in motherhood: Imagine your child at 30 years old was interviewed and asked to describe what kind of mum you were in three words. What do you hope they would say? We can’t be all the things as a mum, but in tough moments try to embody just those three things.
- Stay present in today: Allow yourself to savour small snatches of joy and connection with your children. Tomorrow is a new day, so when you wake up work to forgive yourself for the impatience or mishaps of yesterday. Learning diaphragmatic breathing can really help us to stay in the moment, in our body and not in our story telling minds.
- Prioritise Self-Care: Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish – it’s essential for your overall well-being and ability to be a present and nurturing parent. Make time for activities that nourish your body, mind, and soul, whether it’s exercising, reading, or simply enjoying a quiet moment alone.
5 Maximise your emotion regulation skills: if there is one skill to invest in, this is it. We can only take our children as far as we have gone ourselves in our skills to notice, name and regulate our emotions. The more we are at home in our own body and emotions the more space we will have to respond to our children’s often loud and messy emotional experiences.
In the end being a good mother isn’t about living up to some unattainable fantasy. It’s about the everyday messy imperfect moments. It’s about the love you pour into your children, the many sacrifices you make for their well-being, and the unwavering commitment to keep them safe and knowing they are loved.
For more tips on how to mould your experience of motherhood into something more meaningful join the Fortitude Mums Collective
